That unique inner voice. It is always present, in all my affairs. It speaks to me in an obsessively compulsive way another human would, like a scenario involving hundreds of personalities vying for my attention in the same moment. They offer at times complex and attractive solutions and input to our latest real-world undertaking. It’s fascinating, this dynamic of our inner voice. I can’t control it but process it, acting in a logical and healthy manner, provided my spiritual condition is in check. While my mental health trends in a positive direction, I expand my understanding of self.
As I become older, expand my wisdom and allegedly become better acquainted with this voice, i realize a spiritual experience has taken place. I realize that I am not acquainted with this voice at all, it is not who I am. It is a complete separate entity to my personal makeup and the way I know myself. Therefore, in times of hard-earned repose, I selflessly credit the power greater than myself working in my life. Alternatively, in times of turmoil, it can never be relied upon to provide inner security, lying in bed ruminating about problems in life. While listening to this voice, we might as well be lending a hard ear to the random patron at Starbucks offering me unsolicited advice, while waiting in the coffee lineup. It is not me, and the fact that it’s not me puts a whole new meaning to the common redundant habit of attempting to think my way into feeling better.
Taking affirmative action is the solution. Spirituality and Narcotics Anonymous itself promote such. When I am acting it means accomplishment. When I am in my head – restless, irritable, and discontent, I am notorious for attempting to instead think my way out of convoluted emotional turmoil, largely based on a self-willing thought process. My addict mind believes laying there staring at the ceiling while my brain projects hundreds of different concepts promoting peace is not only ineffective, but also insane. If I want to exit the vortex of my shit-eating ideas, I need to pick up the phone. Call another addict or trusted source of non-bias input. Go do something for someone else to exit my selfish mindset. Whatever it takes to abstain from staring at the ceiling trying to think my way into change. It is smart to relate this to our prayer dynamic. In the twelve steps it highlights the importance of communication with a higher power. In Alcoholics Anonymous literature, this is a quote that states “faith without works is dead.” This could not be a more valid statement. I can lay on my bed and pray for pizza, but the chances of it showing up at the front door aren’t great. I must get on my smartphone, fill out the form, pay for it, and then it will arrive shortly unless the delivery guy gets in a car accident. This type of curveball in life is thrown at us constantly. Random events completely beyond our control, “interrupting” our projected timeline of happenings. It’s life. It’s not negotiable. It just is. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. It says it right there in more quotes from AA literature. This is a serious conundrum in addicts. Innately we are so selfish that our world dissolves when an event takes place that we didn’t anticipate or perceive as negative. I need to be learning and practicing the twelve steps, by applying them as I learn them. Sooner or later like all things practiced, I get a little better at it. Acceptance becomes a more consistent victory. This results in growth and further serenity. No more artificial corrections to a biological problem. As recovering addicts, we honor our scientifically proven, volatile dopamine deficiency and rely on a higher power to fill this spiritual void.
We spend years deteriorating because of active addiction. We ravage our bodies and psyche, rewiring our brains for worse through substance abuse against our will. The proverbial cards are not in our favor. As addicts the main point of confusion and contention in early recovery is the fact that drugs and alcohol are not the source of my problem. My innate thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are the real culprit. So how is one supposed to overcome years of drug-induced turmoil and unmanageability and conquer the challenge of an acute personality change? The solution, as spoken about in healthy recovery circles, is connection. The whole picture of what defines connection is rarely understood. Many treatment centers will satisfy this component by only telling you the opposite of addiction is connection, but rarely elaborate fully on how this is manifested. Addiction equals isolation while recovery equals connection. Not only does addiction promote social isolation, but it also exacerbates mental and spiritual turmoil. In a very short span of time this isolation dynamic takes over my routine, and I am closed off to the world. I have one goal: numbing my reality through getting high. Negative and extremely volatile thoughts, behaviors, and actions dominate my well-being. My disdain for any “inconvenient” outside interference saturates my existence. The spiritual isolation promotes a complete lack of open-mindedness and willingness to get healthy. Many active addicts have families and support groups whom they will cease to interact with. It is a sad situation.
Humans are people-oriented creatures. Our entire existence has evolved to cooperate socially and build healthy relationships. The bottom line is, when I choose to surround myself with people that want to be healthy, I will be too. When I choose to surround myself with unhealthy people, I will stay sick. I am and always will be who I surround myself with. This is a constant in every human’s journey of life. Over the years I have established many various groups of friends. This failure to maintain any sort of healthy social consistency is rooted in low self-esteem.
As an addict I suffer by default from a low sense of self-esteem. To compensate and rectify, I have constantly sought validation from peers in many forms. I suffer from a common delusion in addicts that has me believing I am not good enough. When I am unhealthy, I believe that to have people approve of me, I need to think and act in whatever the basis of that group or person’s existence falls under. It doesn’t matter which demographic or culture I have migrated from previously. Every time I am re-building my social foundation, whether in a new stint of recovery or active addiction, I will adapt to the principles, mindset, and actions of the current group of people I am surrounding myself with. Refraining from being myself to fit in is toxic behavior. It fights against the healthy congruency of staying in line with our heart’s wishes, creating confusion in the natural flow, process and development of our endearingly unique lives. While practicing being everything I am not, I can never carry myself in a grounded manner. I am always conscious of what I need to be exhibiting in myself to maintain a dishonest reality. Mentally exhausting, and leaving no room for pertinent growth, I remain exhibiting an immature mindset. I live a volatile and destructive world of shit.
When I enter recovery as an addict, usually for the first time ever I am exposed to characteristics of myself I was unfamiliar with, good and bad. Taking inventory and living spiritual principles such as honesty in myself and a willingness to be true to my reality are both extremely necessary in getting to know who the real me is. I make these realizations through acting and thinking under the guise of a higher power, and over time they become engrained. Practice makes perfect concerning ANY facet of my existence, and practice is the only way I can experience permanent change. This change is the foundation of a new recognition of self-esteem and self-worth in my humble existence and promotes motivation to continue change for the better. To continue moving forward is to prosper. When healthy, I never look at my life with an attitude of arrival. This sort of expression is not only arrogant, it also a statement declaring I have crossed the finish line of personal development. I am not only grinding growth to a complete halt but am also entertaining the delusion of my ego. Egoism is the opposite of what our brains as healthy addicts are working overtime to accomplish. Everyone has attempted this at some point… but try living and thinking someone else’s journey of life and see how it fits. This period is spent living outside the present moment, which only ever results in anxiety, depression, and turmoil. It is the foundation of an addict’s chosen life of chaos instead of recovery.
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